But at this point I was being guided to go beyond this serene existence, to move back out into the world and at the same time somehow maintain the peace I’ve come to know. So when I got the guidance to write this book I assumed it would flow easily, that I would be guided through it or it would be channeled through me. And my peace and joy, my love of life would easily be maintained. But no, that wasn’t my experience. And I’ve come to learn over time that this – these kinds of difficulties, these kinds of challenges – are part of the reason I was asked to get back out into the world. I am to be a bridge of sorts. I am meant to learn how to maintain what I’ve come to know as the TRUTH in the face of what appears to be the reality of my day-to-day life out in the “normal” world, to learn how to embody this TRUTH and still play full out on the playground of life.
I sat quietly in the corner of the living room by myself, feeling overwhelmed, as usual. Then a beautiful woman with long black hair and a flowing white outfit caught my eye from across the room. She looked like something out of a movie, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She walked towards me, closer and closer, until she knelt down in front of me and asked if she could sit next to me. I didn’t know what to say, but she was already sitting down, so I didn’t really have to answer. She looked at me and said, “I’m Phoebe. You don’t feel good, do you?” “No, but I just have to sit quietly and breath in and out.” I said this because that’s what psychologists told me. “Breathing’s good,” she said and then went on to ask whether I wanted to know why I didn’t feel good. “It’s because I’m too sensitive,” I said. “Yes, you’re sensitive all right, but you’re not too much of anything,” she said, and then started laughing. Her laugh was contagious and I couldn’t help but laugh as well. We sat there for quite a while, just giggling and laughing as she pretended to tickle me. Then she said, “You just feel things very deeply and pick up other people’s feelings and emotions. A lot of what you’re feeling isn’t really you; it’s what other people in the room are feeling.” She then gave me some advice for the future. She said I was to pay attention to how I was feeling when I was with other people. If suddenly I felt different, this was a clue that I might be picking up other people’s emotions. All I had to do is remind myself that those feelings weren’t mine and let them flow through me. Then she said she needed to mingle, gave me a hug goodbye, and walked off. I never saw Phoebe again after that day. I wanted to – I was hoping to see her often – so I asked my mom who she was and if we could invite her back sometime soon, but my mother had no idea who I was talking about. For all I know she could have been an angel, just stopping by to help a little girl.
The Shaman blew smoke in my crown chakra at the top of my head. He chanted as he moved around me, holding his hands over me, touching my head and my shoulders. The internal movement persisted, moving up and down through my body as he continued. Back and forth he went, chanting strange and unrecognizable words. At this point I was shaking from head to toe. I was just about to ask him what was happening when he said, “You are experiencing a kundalini rising. Allow it to continue until it’s complete. Relax into it as much as you can; you will know when it’s done.”
I realized that my whole life to this point had been spent in some level of fear. I’m not talking about being afraid physically. I seemed to be like anyone else – relatively competent, relatively happy and content. What I mean is being afraid to connect with, see, feel and know the truth of who I really am. There was always an underlying anxiety, a ripple of tension that came anytime I thought about, wanted to do, or did anything that was bigger than I thought myself to be. I played small. All my life. The fear was debilitating, and it had kept me from doing so much, being so much, feeling so much. And now as I stepped out of the bathtub, all of fear and the anxiety seemed to be gone, and I was free.
Peace flowed within me and these words formed in my consciousness: You are not meant to die now nor are you meant to live as a monk; you are meant to integrate All That Is with your physical existence. You are meant to be an example – an embodiment of heaven on earth. Now is the time to begin, now is the time to move back out into the world. Upon perceiving these words, tears streamed down my face. My heart was so open; I was once again connected to everything, and I knew that this message was the truth for me. In that moment I knew how I was meant to spend the rest of my days – to bridge this expanded reality with my everyday life. I was to bring this newfound bliss into my everyday life, to love and be loved as deeply as possible and to continuously replenish myself spiritually.
So now I had the mission, but not the map.
Are you ready to be completely awake? Are you ready to see the old dream for what it is? Now can be your time. Open your eyes as I speak through you. Wake up into the new dream, a dream that you have all dreamed many times before. You know this dream well – it is your heart’s desire. There is no one on this planet that does not dream this dream. In some it is not as obvious as it is in others, but if you examine closely the desire for power, prestige, control, and also material items, within it there is the same dream at its core for each and every one. Know that you are one with All That Is. As you move through this existence, you are experiencing the dream you have always dreamt. What you have always wanted is here, not in some distance place. It can’t be reached through struggle or striving; all there is to do is to open your eyes, wake up, and experience the dream that is meant to be.
There is a great awakening coming; maybe you can feel it. The time of cowering in dark corners trying to escape notice is coming to an end. The time of trying to fit into the crowd is over. This journey back to myself has brought me to unexpected places. Many of them were uncomfortable at first, and some of them seemed to go nowhere, but when I follow my own guidance and remain unattached to the outcome of my actions I am fulfilled – peace and joy are my day-to-day experience. I’ve embarked on new adventures and am now traveling in uncharted terrain. But this is all leading me to a very familiar place, to my deepest desire – to help create a world that works for everyone. To support this intention, I’m writing this book, and I’m committed to its wide distribution, yet I remain unattached to that outcome. I want to inspire others to tell their own journeys of awakening. Much like the character in my mythical adventure, I will tell my wild stories to those who will listen, hoping to stimulate the remembrance of the light within each of you. Your story will be different than mine, but only you can be the perfect author of your own transformation. My wish for you is that you remember and allow yourself to once again experience the extraordinary, unseen and unquantifiable realities that are available to you. My hope is that you cultivate your imagination and develop your intuition, and that you trust and let it guide you. My desire is to “hold” you in love as you express yourself fully and experience the peace and joy that I have come to know as my day-to-day experience. What I know in every cell of my being is that you have so much to offer, that you are valuable beyond measure and that you are loved more than life itself.
This book is written in a format in which the author is “interviewed by God,” the book is meant to be a mirror for the reader to reflect their own experiences back to them, and a gentle guide for those who are at the precipice of an extraordinary adventure and are either scared to jump or who hunger for answers and understanding.